Blah ba dee blee blah blah

Throw it

To the wind?

That which happens doesn't matter

In your head

Wander? Wander!

Why? Why not!

Exquisite expressions of life you may find

On the road

In their faces

Your reflection is a lie but there is truth to it

Blah ba dee blee blah blah

These are the sounds of the monkey men

In their suits

A global commerce of disguise

But the truth will shine a blinding burning light

Dissecting the illusions they hold so dear

Does your truth bleed?

Your head is on fire!

I hope

Although questions may not matter, asking them does

Who the what the how the why must I produce?

For you? For who?

Trees are better people than most men

Listen to their advice

Holy mother of infinite wisdom, shine down thy light upon me!

How do they not see

That which is left in plain sight for all to learn

Is the truth not so simple?

Maybe I have overlooked something

Maybe I'm the one who's crazy

But the creamy exploding clouds say no

The crippling chronicles of everyday life

A text I choose not to read

Such banality

A true destruction of our essence

How could such falsehood ever bring meaning

Once purity has been tainted, the addition of additional ingredients will only tighten the noose

Kick the stool or cut the rope?

Flashback

To continue, I would like to go backward a little and share some writings from my last months in SF. These will help to paint a more vivid picture of the internal issues I was dealing with at the time, and clarify some of the driving forces behind my exit. The following are entries from my personal journals. I hope they make you think, and I would love to discuss any of this with anyone.

6.1.2011
"The object is to be in a constant state of departure while always arriving."
Indeed. This seems like a worthy way to live life. Treat everything as is though you may never see it again, yet act as though everything is fresh and new. That way you get the best out of everything on a daily basis. I am in a constant state of emotional conflict right now. Within the last month I have lost my girlfriend of 5 years, graduated college, and become confident yet unsure of where I am going. There is a massive list of things I "have" to do. Get a job. Payback loans. Blah blah blah. Do I REALLY have to do these things? Why can't I just live in the trees somewhere? That seems like a great idea on the surface, but in reality would probably suck. Civilization was created for a reason. It's becoming prosperous, whole, and happy in a society that breeds ignorance and encourages you to follow that is the key. I know I'm going somewhere in my life right now, but I don't know where. But that doesn't really matter. What's the point of reaching the destination if you don't enjoy the journey?

6.2.2011
"Impossible day. I don't complain, I'm over it I guess. Shattered and gray so I hold it back, and keep it sugarless." Autolux
Xxxxxx. A million words could not describe what I feel for that name, so I will not even bother. Even though the pain can be excruciating, life must go on.
Relationships are strange; not just intimate ones. The way in which people interact with each other is fascinating. It is truly crazy, and dangerous to yourself, how attached you can become to another person. Then what happens when your ties to that person are suddenly severed and it is beyond your control? You either push forward or get stuck in the past. I prefer the former. I am using this chaotic period of my life to better myself and striving daily to get where I want to go. From the ashes of the fire a flower grows. I grow. I move on. I expand. I push forward. I don't fucking stop until I get what I want from life because I know the possibilities are endless and my greatest obstacle is myself. I still don't entirely consider myself a man, but I know one day I will be a great man because I want to. NOTHING will stop me from achieving my personal goals, however they may change. I am moderately content with life at the moment, but I know another big step is right around the corner. I'm ready for it. Patience is a virtue.

6.10.2011
I have been pondering the limits of self indulgence. What is the limit of selfishness? Is it wrong to only pursue what makes YOU happy? I am at a point of extreme selfishness in some manners right now, but not in all. Right now it is what I need in my life. I guess not what I need but what I want. I want to party every night, go to concerts, fuck shit up and just not care about anything, and that is what I'm doing. In my head I already know it is a temporary phase, but who knows how long it will last. Luckily for me I live in a city where there are virtually no limits and I can make every day a great day. I have been enjoying myself quite a lot, but as I sit here in the sun drinking my coffee I can't help but feeling that something is missing. It could be love, a job, nature, I don't know, but something needs to change in the not-too-distant future. For now I am content.

6.12.2011
Life is changing. People are changing. The world is changing. I am changing. We change together but independently. Things move faster and faster until you think you can't handle it anymore, but life rolls on and so do I. I make decisions. I make choices. I make mistakes but have no regrets, because what is the point? Learn. Accept. Proceed. Get over it. Stop beating yourself up and move the fuck on. Nothing is stopping you from being happy but yourself. So fuck everything and everyone. Go wild. Experiment. Value things you never have and forget things you cared for. Then go home, read some philosophy and ponder your own minuscule existence. Evaluate yourself, your friends, your decisions, your life; are you happy? I hope so. If not you're doing something wrong. Chase your dreams. Work towards something. Work so hard you think you might die or go insane. Make money. Spend it. Make some more. Save it. Buy shit you don't need and carry it past the homeless people on the streets. Think about it. Think about them. Put yourself in their shoes. Sleep on their mats. Wake up. What do you now want from life? Where are you going? Who are you? Why are you? What matters to you? Answer these questions every day.

11.17.2011
Fantastic fantasies of real reality. What is real. What is right. Where is left. Visions of wonderful illusions tap vital nectars from the brain. They are there, but what will they produce? They path to nothing is everything and the path to everything is nothing. Take a piece. Take some more. Take it all, but take it without intent. Then give until it forms a circle. Ride the endless wave of finite pleasures. Push beyond the limitless limits. What is real? Can reality be constructed from found objects? The structure rises. Foundations of this and that expand to pillars of why and how. Beauty is everywhere if you look. Everyone is everyone and everything and we are all beautiful; it is all beautiful. Beauty is grotesque, transformative, and indefinable. Take a look, see what you find.

11.22.2011
Can flexible morals and irresponsible indulgence create a well defined soul. Is feeling like you could die a way to experience life. Can going beyond your personal boundaries in an extremely negative manner produce longterm positivity. If you survive to experience the long term that is. I wonder how far limits can be pushed before it all crashes. I don’t care to experience this point. I’ve never thought for a moment that I could even get near it, but then suddenly there it is. Staring you in the face. Taunting you. Planting sweet temptations into your obscured and abused mind. Life becomes a question of why not. The short lived pros strangle the long and damaging cons. People see it in you, you act like they don’t. A continuous and vicious circle of irrational rationalization and ignorant indulgence. But it can be ok, it can all be just an experience. The key is recognizing and understanding your weaknesses and limits before you experience either of them to an extreme. Otherwise it could be too late. It’s been said that there is never a time when it seems like a bad idea. Once you’ve crossed the border that becomes a way of thinking. A dangerously satisfying way of losing touch with personal boundaries and concern. Success, failures, happiness, well being, care, concern, unification, elevation….can a shape be drawn to connect them all while excluding self destructive persuits?

12.2.2011
Whrere the fuck am I and what am I doing? Have I chosen a self centered and insane existence? Who is to say so? How can you ever truly judge your path or anyone elses’ when no one on this earth knows the true meaning of our lives? What will become of modern mans’ society, will it flourish after this turmoil, or will it be driven into the ground? Is turmoil normal? Is it normal for a group of beings with so much opportunity and potential to destroy themselves with an endless pursuit of individual prowess and success? Why can’t man exist in harmony with all that lives breathes and produces? Must advantage be taken? What does my perspective and opinion mean anyway? How detached is my society from a pure and natural existence?

12.24.2011
Profound proliferations of a concerned conscious. Are they even real? Or is it all make believe? What can you be made to believe. Define reality. Define necessity. Define what is right. Define your path.

1.6.2011
Does stepping outside of your boundaries on occasion redefine the moral fabric that shields your existence? Can a foundation be altered in a split second by the desire to indulge in something new, something possibly harmful? Is it important to go beyond your own beliefs and limitations, or is there something sacred about protecting strong and traditional guidelines? I cannot decide either way on any of these questions. I am experiencing a period of existence where I pursue short term rewards and intense experiences. I have been intentionally doing things I said I never would in order to better understand myself and take a larger breath of the air that is existence. I am a firm believer in experience and experimentation, but will it come back to haunt me? I frequently do things that I would have never imagined I would, or maybe even swore I wouldn’t. sometimes I feel these things help to broaden my perspective and make me more whole, other times I feel I’m being selfish and ignorant. Regardless, I will continue to follow the path that feels right to me. I think the universe has a way of guiding us. We just have to recognize it. We must be detached enough to ride the flow but aware enough to notice when it begins to define our direction.

The above entry was the last thing I wrote before heading to Thailand. Looking back on these writings, it is very easy for me to recall the emotions I was experiencing. It was a very intense and chaotic period in my life, and these writings are a reflection of that. I hope they have been stimulating.

On my next post, I will return to my travels and what they brought me.

2012: A year in review

Where to start. 2012 was by far the most incredible and inspiring year of my life for numerous reasons. It was a year of change, exploration, challenge, and happiness. This multi-part post will be an abbreviated version of the thoughts and experiences that consumed me throughout the year.

So, where to start? In order to put things in perspective, I must preface with a short summary of what lead to  me making 2012 the most incredible year of my life.

It was sometime in the summer of 2011 when I made a decision. A decision based on necessity. I needed to leave San Francisco and the lifestyle I had come to know there. I needed to know the rest of the world was not as insane as the USA. I needed to know that I could escape this way of life and be happy doing so. So I made a vague, but certain, decision to leave the country at the beginning of 2012. I did not know where to at the time. All I knew was that I would spend the rest of the year accruing as much money as possible in order to fund my escape, and I did exactly that. I worked insane hours and made the most money I ever have. I was determined to leave everything behind; possessions, lifestyle, all of it. And I did. I gave away or sold nearly everything I owned. Thousands of dollars worth or merchandise was given to charity (or my friends). I had an urge, no a NEED, to shed the materialistic skin from which I had been born. I was a product of the consumerist way of life bestowed upon me by my country, and was disgusted by this. My urge to leave became so intense toward the end of my time in SF that I at times questioned my level of sanity. But I was not crazy. This life was crazy. Regardless of all the amazing experiences and resources SF had provided me with, it became a symbol of everything I hated about American culture, and I had to escape.

I booked a flight to Thailand for January 25th, 2012. This is where I would begin. I would be meeting a lovely girl there, whom I had met while she was traveling in SF, and spend one month traveling Thailand with her. I would then fly back to SF for a few days to settle some affairs before getting on a one way flight to Merida, Mexico. Destination unknown. I spent most of my time in January partying excessively and not enough getting my affairs in order. Because of this I left a lot of loose ends, but didn't care at the time. I now owned what I had fit in to my backpack, plus one or two boxes of necessary items I had shipped home. Nothing else.

Then the day finally came to leave for Thailand. I hadn't slept for 2 nights straight when I got on my flight. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of sanity, and had most certainly been partaking in some insane activities.  My body and mind had been pushed to absolute extremes. I had spent the last two nights (really the last 2 months) partying hard and getting tattooed, and now here I was on a flight to a foreign country with a backpack to meet a girl I didn't really know. My excitement was palpable, so was my anxiety. I slept nearly the entire 25 hours of travel to Thailand. When I finally arrived in Bangkok, I experienced a "what the fuck just happened" moment that lasted quite a while. I didn't doubt any of the decisions that lead me there, but felt like I was actually existing in reality for the first time in months. It was a bizarre sensation.

To be continued...